Dear Thelma and Louise,
It’s time for a remake. I know, your movie was a hit in 1991—best original screenplay; six Academy Award nominations, a landmark of feminist film. But that was then, when a lot of women were still expected to play house and put up with cheating husbands; when too many men in bars assumed "yes" to a dance meant "yes" to sex; when guys made jokes about “funny uncles” and everyone laughed along; and when certain FBI officials had it in for women, and wielded their power to bring them down for personal and political motives.
Okay, so that was then and now is not so different. But you are different, Thelma! You have gone on to be Commander in Chief, or at least play one on TV. You belong to Mensa and have an IQ of 140! And Louise, despite the fact that I am spitting mad at you for your recent third-party vote (Really, Louise? You chose this election to protest the DNC?), I respect your voice and broad sphere of influence. Who else, but you, could manage to elevate ping pong to the status of cool?
Thelma, Louise, I know in your hearts you can no longer be okay with the original ending to your film. There you were, desperate fugitives and victims of society’s ills, caught between a flank of armed authorities and the Grand Canyon, and what do you do? You drive off the cliff! I think we all know how that turned out for you, despite the movie ending with that glorious image of your Thunderbird soaring through the air over a drop of 6,093 feet.
It’s time for a remake. It’s time to create a new landmark of feminist film, one that does not have the female leads offing themselves just because they are in deep shit. Ladies, please, tell me you agree. Tell me you are with me on this!
Below is the revised ending of the new script for your consideration. If you like it, just have your agents call my agent. Or better yet, let’s all be agents for positive change.
EXT: EDGE OF THE GRAND CANYON. Thelma and Louise, dust-coated, white teeth blazing, sit in their idling ‘66 Thunderbird. They are confronted by a small army of lawmen, weapons drawn.
THELMA: Okay, listen, let’s not get caught.
LOUISE: What are you talking about?
THELMA: Let’s keep going.
LOUISE: What do you mean?
LOUISE: You sure?
THELMA: Yeah. Let’s go on speaking out and acting out. Let’s organize marches and protests, and write letters, and join forces. Let’s show every bully, racist, misogynist, sexual assaulter, white nationalist, anti-Semite, gay basher, funny uncle, and other form of lowlife that we will not go over the deep end. We will live to fight another day.
FADE OUT as Thelma and Louise kiss, then exit the car. Hand in hand they raise their arms, not in surrender but unity.
THE END (But really just the beginning!)